Relational Rupture in a Small Group
Like many people I know, I am hesitant about group environments, and how they are facilitated is important to me. As I have ventured forth with offering groups, out of a desire to create opportunities for connection and learning, I am encountering new situations and reflecting on how I can learn and grow as a facilitator and as a human from these experiences.
I know it is not possible for me to make sure that no one ever feels unsafe in a group that I’m facilitating, but it is possible for me to have the intention to do whatever is possible to create and sustain a safe environment for everyone. And, as in any relationship, ruptures are opportunities for learning. I have been reflecting on a rupture that happened in a small group last week, and on what I can learn from it. I want to say what happened as simply and objectively as I am able: two group members used language to express something. Another group member expressed feeling triggered by the use of that language. Several others in the group spoke up, as well as the two who used the language.
A person who feels triggered could withdraw, shut down and not say anything, probably never come back to the group (I hope they will), and maybe feel less inclined to go to other types of groups after the experience. I have done that in the past. But this person expressed their experience to the group, clearly and succinctly.
To me, that shows that they wanted to have a sense of safety restored, and re-connect (rather than continuing to feel unsafe and withdraw). I think it is vulnerable, brave and skillful to express our direct experience, especially when feeling the inner sensations and emotions we might describe with the word “triggered”, and especially in a group where we don’t know how others will respond.
In this case, the language that brought on the triggered response is language that would be hurtful to others, as well. There are phrases like this, left over from the wrong relating of history; people who have not experienced the phrases as hurtful may toss them around somewhat mindlessly to express themselves. It is good and right for people to learn what the impact is of the language they use on those with whom they want to connect. By being clear about what the language used in the group implies, and how it is received by many people, we can take a little time to find other language that would also express what was intended, without alienating and hurting people we don’t want to alienate and hurt. In that way, the person who felt triggered, in sharing how what we said impacted them, also shared a gift to help others relate better.
When there is a relational rupture, it needs relational repair - meaning, we provide one another with the right kind of company. When I say what I am experiencing, how I am met and how what I have said is received is important. What is the right kind of company? In Inner Relationship Focusing, the qualities of the inner environment that invite (inner) relational safety include spaciousness, a willingness to go slow, genuine interested curiosity, calmness, and having no agenda. Can we bring these qualities to a conversation like the one that happens in a group when someone shares that they feel triggered?
When I have hurt someone that I didn’t want to hurt, and they tell me, I might feel multiple things very quickly, including
* Defensiveness / Wanting to explain myself - I didn’t intend to be hurtful! That’s not what I meant!
* Feeling pressure to rush to a solution or resolution
* Shame and self-recrimination - I should have slowed down and thought about the language I was using/ I should have known better
* Sadness - I have caused harm and injury
* Anger - They are misunderstanding me
And any of these can spiral into ever more tangled morasses of feelings and memories: things can get complicated for the listener quickly! I think this is worth taking in and spending some time with - it almost necessitates that I pause in this kind of situation, to notice the sensations, feelings, thoughts, memories, and anything else that arise in me as I listen to someone express that they feel triggered. I would like to do that the next time this kind of thing happens. As a facilitator, I might step in right there and invite everyone to take a moment, maybe even a slightly guided moment or two, to notice what is coming up in our bodies and minds, acknowledge it, give it some inner company, and then sense how we would like to receive and acknowledge what the person who shared about feeling triggered has said.
If we respond from a tangled morass of inner responses, the person who shared is unlikely to feel met, heard or understood; leaving them without any reliable sense that a similar rupture won’t happen again. The rupture may become more complex and unclear, or deeper. This impacts everyone in the group who is witnessing or involved in the interaction.
Slowing down and being honest about our own experience can help. Profuse and prolonged apologizing, when motivated by my own shame or guilt and with a desire for the other person to know how awful I feel about hurting them, can have the person feel that now they have to comfort me in my pain or discomfort. What if I say, “Wow, I am really sorry! I need to take a moment to take in what you said and see if I understand, and to notice how this lands in me.” If I notice multiple emotions arise and realize that I need to give them space, perhaps I can make a note to do so in a meditation or focusing session soon). It feels important to me to be aware of and willing to take responsibility for my own stuff, rather than (however unintentionally) having the other person feel it is now their job to take care of my feelings.
When I have tended to my immediate felt response to something, I can then invite sitting with what was said with interested curiosity. There is no need to respond immediately, even though we may FEEL there is. As a facilitator, perhaps I can say “Let’s take some time to take that in, acknowledging what felt responses may come quickly, and making space for interested curiosity.”
There is so much to be curious about. For example, what does the person mean by “triggered”? This can mean lots of things, or combinations of things, including activated, hurt, frightened, reminded of something, angry, uncomfortable, challenged, etc. The particular feelings that arose for the person haven’t been explored - maybe they want to and maybe they don’t, and they should definitely not have to share, but we can be interested and curious.
If, as in this example, what generated the triggered experience was use of language that is connected to historical violence or other forms of wrong relating, I can be curious to learn more about the language, where it comes from, who experiences it as violent, dismissive, hurtful, or inappropriate; and how I might express myself in the future without using that language.
And I can be curious about the experience of others in the group.
Moving forward, I want to be slower and more attentive to language that I might reach for automatically, not really understanding what it means to me, much less to others. Can I slow down, and find a way forward with language that expresses what I really want to convey? If I can’t, and someone lets me know that the language I used means something to them that feels harmful, can I make space to take that in, be curious about it, and set a genuine intention to amend my use of that phrase moving forward, given that I now understand that it is not expressing what I actually want to express, and it conveys unintended harmful meaning?
I am devoted to discovering how to relate to myself and others as well as possible. As a facilitator, in the case of a relational rupture, I want to slow down, become aware of my experience in the moment, take responsibility for my experience, access my genuine curiosity, and seek to understand the experiences of others as well as I can. I want to put all of this ahead of immediately trying to resolve the rupture. As we learn in IRF, treating anything as though there is something broken that needs to be fixed is generally unhelpful.
